I have neglected this blog, and writing all together, for one reason: being a full time stay at home parent (SAHP) is hard, y'all. Throw a kidney stone with surgery and insomnia into the mix and everything seems exceptionally difficult. Therefore, writing has taken a back burner for several months. I may be delirious from lack of sleep but if I don't jump back on the horse and go for it, I may never write again. So please, bear with me, I'm a little rusty these days and my brain is a bit on the muddy side.
Though my wife may disagree with me about what constitutes "going to work," (and that's a whole other blog post, trust me) this is the hardest job I've ever had, and I've had A LOT of jobs. Retail, restaurant, assembly line, banking, receptionist, insurance biller, writer/editor, and paralegal are a few, but not all, of the wide range of jobs I've had from 18-37. I've worked hard, I've had challenging jobs, difficult co-workers and bosses, toxic work environments, and physically exhausting jobs. All were merely preparation for the most important, gratifying, fulfilling, beautiful, fun, messy, exhausting, and demanding job I'll ever have.
Lots of SAHPs take it all in stride; juggling 3 kids, homeschooling (or un-schooling), activities, classes, cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. and manage it with grace and ease that I simply do not possess. I think a lot of moms and dads come by it naturally, which is fantastic. I am not one of them. I am not a natural; I struggle, I fight against anxiety, and I am exhausted at the end of every day. This is not to say that I don't love what I do but if I'm honest, I don't love every minute of it. I miss having co-workers, I miss structure, I miss going to the bathroom alone, I miss lunchtime with work pals. On the flip side, I do not miss sitting at a desk, irritating co-workers, being micro-managed, or answering to a boss. I love the holy bejesus out of Addie, and it seems every time I struggle, she does something that makes me laugh and for that reason alone, I feel really ashamed for the times I've complained, wished for more autonomy, or dreamt about working again. It's also quite unfair to complain about my difficult day to Rebecca, who would give anything to stay at home with Addie while I go make all the money. This is a complicated mixed bag of emotions, and thanks to the abundance of mom/dad blogs out there, I know I'm not alone in this. The SAHP struggle is real for many of us, and it's ok. It's ok to say it's hard, it's ok to be honest about difficult days, and it's ok to not be remotely perfect.
So I will continue to struggle, and work my ass off to take care of this house and this little human who brings me such joy. I will continue to be honest about the hard times and when Addie starts going to daycare twice per week in the fall, I will be a wreck. But I will also have the opportunity to go back to work part time, maybe exercise a little, write more, and have some space to remember who I am besides a mama. I may never be the easy going SAHP who breezes through each day with an abundance of energy, but I am doing the very best that I can and hopefully that is enough.
Though my wife may disagree with me about what constitutes "going to work," (and that's a whole other blog post, trust me) this is the hardest job I've ever had, and I've had A LOT of jobs. Retail, restaurant, assembly line, banking, receptionist, insurance biller, writer/editor, and paralegal are a few, but not all, of the wide range of jobs I've had from 18-37. I've worked hard, I've had challenging jobs, difficult co-workers and bosses, toxic work environments, and physically exhausting jobs. All were merely preparation for the most important, gratifying, fulfilling, beautiful, fun, messy, exhausting, and demanding job I'll ever have.
Lots of SAHPs take it all in stride; juggling 3 kids, homeschooling (or un-schooling), activities, classes, cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. and manage it with grace and ease that I simply do not possess. I think a lot of moms and dads come by it naturally, which is fantastic. I am not one of them. I am not a natural; I struggle, I fight against anxiety, and I am exhausted at the end of every day. This is not to say that I don't love what I do but if I'm honest, I don't love every minute of it. I miss having co-workers, I miss structure, I miss going to the bathroom alone, I miss lunchtime with work pals. On the flip side, I do not miss sitting at a desk, irritating co-workers, being micro-managed, or answering to a boss. I love the holy bejesus out of Addie, and it seems every time I struggle, she does something that makes me laugh and for that reason alone, I feel really ashamed for the times I've complained, wished for more autonomy, or dreamt about working again. It's also quite unfair to complain about my difficult day to Rebecca, who would give anything to stay at home with Addie while I go make all the money. This is a complicated mixed bag of emotions, and thanks to the abundance of mom/dad blogs out there, I know I'm not alone in this. The SAHP struggle is real for many of us, and it's ok. It's ok to say it's hard, it's ok to be honest about difficult days, and it's ok to not be remotely perfect.
So I will continue to struggle, and work my ass off to take care of this house and this little human who brings me such joy. I will continue to be honest about the hard times and when Addie starts going to daycare twice per week in the fall, I will be a wreck. But I will also have the opportunity to go back to work part time, maybe exercise a little, write more, and have some space to remember who I am besides a mama. I may never be the easy going SAHP who breezes through each day with an abundance of energy, but I am doing the very best that I can and hopefully that is enough.